Pirates of the Caribbean 3… what’s it called? At World’s End. Right. Well it was shit. The plotline was bent and beaten out of shape in the writers’ badly concealed attempt to fit in as many showy set pieces as possible. And every plot twist revolved around some kind of stupid, betrayal-splattered negotiating which you couldn’t follow with a map. The spree of serial action sequences all grappled to outdo each other in showiness, and just as you thought one had ended and your eyes would be saved the strain of having to negotiate more stupid, inconceivable and downright ridiculous occurrences (a PARACHUTE made out of a SAIL. I ask you), then another, even more over-the-top fight would break out. Even the subtler scenes were directed like action sequences; all theatrical bursts of speech interspersed with dramatic pauses and swooping zooms. And every second of the film was overdubbed with intrusive and melodramatic music that soon lost any impact and just added to the ridiculous and indulgent surplus- such excessive use of music destroyed any possibility of the audience having a personal reaction the film. The music TOLD you how to feel. Awful.

And all this drama just made the film so far over the top that the audience had no opportunity to sit and soak it up or get to feel for the characters, the only good scenes involving Jack Sparrow arguing with himself- and even these were too pointedly wacky to be actually funny.

The film would be improved considerably if the opening scene involved the sudden deaths of pouty Kiera Knightley and one-dimensional Orlando Bloom. Their flaccid and uninspired romance throughout the film ranged from boring to grating to downright annoying. They were so poorly incorporated into the narrative that it was obvious that they were only present as pretty faces- well, that was obvious from the start, but this made it embarrassing. I went through the film desperate to see Keira get her teeth punched out or her nose broken or something. Her “beauty” was infuriating.

Characters were killed off and almost killed off here and there and everywhere. I find it interesting that all the navy fellows (headed by a sneering, tea-sipping Englishman who is possibly the most clichéd stereotype I have ever seen in any film, ever) were killed off without sympathy, except a couple of them who we are supposed to regard as loveable scamps, and therefore are spared death by the writers and instead make the inevitable move to the “good” side as pirates. I mean, how thinly spread is it possible for a character to be? The same is applicable to the plot, though. There were some great ideas (the upside down ship, for example) but they were all drowned out in unexplained and incredibly random dross (those crab/rock things. What the fuck!?)

At the end of the day, was it really even a pirate movie? All of a sudden we’ve got the land of the dead and a giant woman… a huge whirlpool and a massive waterfall (why not choose one? Why use both?) and a massive war between the military and the pirates. Pirates are loved for being opportunists and adventurers, not a nation at war, so why make it out that they’re noble, almost patriotic warriors? And by hanging a skull and crossbones on the boats the filmmakers have tried to mask this, with the single effect of detaching this movie so far from its source material that it’s just pointless. So pointless that I’m annoyed with myself for giving it so much thought, because it doesn’t deserve any.

Grave of the Fireflies

It was good. It was very good. It was better than that, in fact. Don't expect it to be an easy watch. Also don't espect lots of glittery sci-fi. Don't expect it to be a trivial watch. I didn't know films could do that.

Well, without going off on one, it gets 12/10.

Spirited Away
Not a kids' film at all. Has its genuinely creepy moments. Colourful and full of texture... the artwork is hypnotic and bizarre and absolutely stunning. Makes me wish they'd done His Dark Materials as an anime film; it just seems perfect for the medium. The characters are weird and wonderful... it's like a dream in more ways than one. It's got to be a 9.5 out of 10 I'm afraid.

Children of Men
No, Mr. Lacey, this is not better than Pan's Labyrinth. It is, however, an awful, awful lot more important.
I read a lot of film reviews and magazines and I watch a lot of films, and the critics are forever preaching about how such-and-such a film "burns with political relevence in modern times," or something. Take that catastrophic mistake of a disgrace, War of the Worlds by saint Spielberg. Three-legged aliens that spend two days blowing up the land of the free and then get the flu and collapse are meant to make us all terribly introspective because of all the bombing that happens these days. I'm sure Mr Lacey will be able to explain what kind of a point that was meant to get across but it was lost on me.
As another example, look at Good Night, and Good Luck. An excellent film, of course, but making a film about a corrupt government 50 years ago only tells you that today's government is also corrupt. My point is, it's not saying anything new or telling us anything we don't know. George Bush is stupid and wrong and war-obsessed, yes, we've all known this for a very long time- and we don't need you to remind us of Senator McCarthy in order to condemn him.
So Children of Men is fantastically, fantastically blunt, straight, and to the point. The first thing that struck me on watching it was how familiar everything seemed. The picture of Britain it paints is very, very close to the one in which I'm typing this. The film isn't far-fetched speculation, like the farcical travesty of V For Vendetta. It's a prediction. It should serve as a warning film, it already is a work of propaganda, and it's about as effective as propaganda ever will be in 2007.
The film is explicit in its warnings, unlike the aforementioned films that just kind of skirt round any clear message in order to give the impression of seeming very important and clever. For example, when Theo visits Jasper's house, we see little press cuttings involving the name "Bush" and mentioning some strange occurence or other called the "Iraq War-" something I don't think Mr. Cuaron wanted to be particularly discrete about.
The inclusion of modern-day pop culture references was also particularly poignant. The soundtrack, for example, contained music by Radiohead, John Lennon, Aphex Twin and Jarvis Cocker. There was a slightly ironic background image of the Pink Floyd Pig swaying in the wind. I also couldn't help but notice how Michael Caine's character had been made to look and even act in a way that bore unsubtle similarities to John Lennon- whose attitude was, of course, distinctly anti-war.
My only real worry was that, like this review, the film seemed to wander a bit towards the end, or at least to merge into the familiar kind of blood-and-dirt-and-crumbling-old-buildings battle sequence I've seen a billion times in films like Saving Private Ryan. However, for the most part, it has an impact heavier than an enormous lead whale falling from the top of a giant springboard on top of Ben Nevis.
9 out of 10.

Volver.
(I can't be bothered with all the details and crap.)
My first Almodovar film. It was excellent; when I was watching it, I thought: "Dirty Pretty Things? Why in god's newt can't we study this instead?" I'll leave that question open for Mr. Lacey. There's an awful lot to do with passions and repressions in there.
All the cast did a great job. It was an incredibly performance-driven film, with a very strong narrative that never really weakened. So yeah, thumbs up. I'm going to go for 8 out of 10.

El Laberinto del Fauno/ Pan's Labyrinth (Guillermo Del Toro, 2006)
sliated lluF
Average viewer rating: 8.3/10
My rating: 10/10
Oh, I can't help it. I think this is the best film I have ever seen. It deserves ten out of ten, and I would only have given Brazil or Fargo 9.8. There are so many films on release at the moment I've been dying to get to the cinema for- and I hate cinemas. But I've been waiting for Pan's Labyrinth all year.
The basic storyline follows a young girl called Ofelia whose step-father is a military captain just after the Spanish Civil War. There are clear ideas of good and bad as the evil captain tortures and murders his way through the local Guerillos, freedom fighters, good ole honest rebels. Questions of choices and loyalties are raised, as Ofelia shares several meetings with a strange faun in the labyrinth hidden in the forest near the mill where the captain's cruel troops are based. The faun informs her that she is a reincarnated princess and must complete several tasks in order to regain her kingdom. As the blood on the captain's hands increases and her life in the real world darkens, so does the fantasy world the faun sends her to.
Every single frame of this film is beautifully photographed. The fantasty set-pieces parallel Gilliam at his best, and outshine Burton's most radiant works. There are some genuinely terrifying moments, such as the "Pale Man," a child-eating monster from the dark ages whose eyes are in the palms of his hands, and also several torture scenes involving the murderous step-father.
By the end of the film I was a nervous wreck; the brutality is a lot to take in and I found myself wishing for the fantasy sequences to last for ever. The film is in Spanish, with subtitles, another of its delights; it kept all the noisy chavs out of the screening. And another interesting detail; the actor who played the captain also played Senor Juan in Dirty Pretty Things. So there.

My Summer of Love (Pawel Pawlikowski, 2004, UK)
Full ding-tazzles
Average viewer rating: 7.1/10
My rating: 6/10
I watched this for several reasons, and with high expectations:
-in my eyes, any film with Paddy Considine is a film worth watching.
-I'd read that it was set and shot in West Yorkshire
-I had also read that the film had been scored by Goldfrapp
-the trailer had a short clip of someone playing a cello. Cellos are just cool.
Well, Considine's performance was the best in the film, immaculate, as always. However, his must have been the only believable "Yaaksher" accent. Some of the accents were so bad I wasn't sure whether to laugh or hang myself (or press "mute.")
Other than that, the two female leads were kind of a let down, and I just found them silly and annoying.* The handheld camera started to get a little frustrating as well- it soon became obvious that, with all the fantastic countryside, there were some badly missed visual opportunities that had been scrapped in favour of a shaky camera zoomed in too far. But maybe I'm being picky. The film did succeed in making West Yorkshire look twee and scenic- with a shocking lack of rain.
All in all... an OK watch.
Saw it on smellovision.

*Although that's probably just because of my hatred of women.

9 Songs (Michael Winterbottom, 2004, UK)
Full detailage
Average viewer rating: 5/10
My rating: 2/10
The only good thing in this film is the music- and yes, it contains unsimulated sex, and yes, blah blah blah. The sex is shot in such a way as to just make it cold, sterile and a little bit annoying. The camera work is insistantly arty- handheld all through- and this has a similar effect to a wasp trying to get at your sandwich (it's bloody annoying, and you can't get away from it- and as a result, it starts to make your facial muscles twitch and you want to wave your arms in the air and shout "go away" as if it can understand.) The acting is plain shoddy, and the constant improvisation does not improve this. There is no storyline- people have sex, music, Antarctica, more sex, and ...ooh! drugs! why not. I'm Michael Winterbottom. I'm contraversial. I can do what I want.
Why, Winterbottom, why? What was the possible need for all that embarrassing sex?

I don't think it's legal for me to have watched this film but I did anyway.

Scum (Alan Clarke, 1979, UK)
Full McDetails
Average viewer rating: 7.4/10
My rating: 10/10
Very likely the best film I've ever seen. Actually, I take that back. But it comes damn close. From the first minute or so, it's unflinchingly violent, and it remains consistently so until the closing credits. Concerning a load of vicious cockney yoofs locked up together in Borstal, who each rebel in their own private manner. Some (specifically a young Ray Winstone) beat up the other inmates and climb the perverse social ladder. Others, namely "Archer" (played by Mick Ford in one DAMN fine performance) argue, talk and reason. In the most distressing scene in the whole distressing film,* one inmate, who has found himself subject to rape, decides to commit suicide and is almost completely ignored by the guards. The film has many standout scenes, the most notable being pretty much any that include Archer- without a doubt, Mick Ford steals the show. The film is merciless, and every cliche concerning Good Prevailing Over Evil is swiftly broken up and then urinated on. The ending creeps up on you, and it made me absolutely infuriated. The film left me feeling as though I had just been hit around the head with a bag of dead cats.
Also notable it its complete lack of a soundtrack. Nothing is dramatised further than the simple acting and directing will allow for. Music would in fact detract from the film's heavy impact.

I downloaded this film. Not entirely legitimate. I'm sorry, I had to see it, and I had no idea where to get hold of it- other than by buying it, of course, but then what if I didn't like it? Out, damn spot!

*You could even go as far as to call it a distress-fest. AHAHAHAHAAA.

Buffalo '66 (Vincent Gallo, 1998, USA)
Full details
Average viewer rating: 7.2/10
My rating: 7/10
Follows the story of some lowlife or other (Vincent Gallo, who not only wrote, directed and starred in the film but also composed and performed much of the soundtrack) who is released from jail, and sets out to convince his parents he's been away on business by kidnapping a passer-by (Christina Ricci) and making her pretend to be his wife. I found it incredibly depressing to start with- the section that takes place at his neglectful parents' house being particularly awkward- but somehow towards the end it managed to mould itself into a very twisted feel-good ending.
Viewed on DVD borrowed from a chum.

Barton Fink (Joel Coen, 1991, USA)
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Average viewer rating: 7.5/10
My rating: 7/10
Less comical than the other Coen Brothers films in my opinion, and far darker; centered around a New York writer (John Turturro) who tries his hand at writing a screenplay for a big-budget Hollywood movie. As the stress builds, increasingly gruesome and surreal events take place in his life, ending with quite an ambiguous climax. There are plenty of different "hidden messages" in the film, most notably the way that Hollywood is portrayed as an analogy for Hell.
Viewed on DVD which I bought for £1.99. Bargain.

Shallow Grave (Danny Boyle, 1994, UK)
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Average user rating: 7.4/10
My rating: 9/10
Very dark, but the perfect thriller. Set in Edinburgh and concerning three flatmates (Christopher Eccleston, Ewan McGregor and Kerry Fox), whose new lodger is found dead in his bedroom with a huge suitcase full of money under his bed. They decide to keep the money and dispose of the corpse, obviously with some rather sinister consequences. Perfect acting, perfect atmosphere, perfect cinematography, perfect plot twists...
Bought on DVD after I saw it on TV many moons ago and was massively impressed.